Causes of Conflict
What exactly is "conflict"? What are its causes?
How can it be avoided or resolved?
These are very important questions which find their way, in some form or another, into the minds of most people; particularly people who find themselves in continual conflict, despite their desires for peace and happiness.
For starters, let's begin with a look at the definition of the word "conflict".
conflict:
[1375–1425; late ME (n.) < L conflīctusa striking together, equiv. to conflīg(ere)to strike together, contend (con- con- + flīgere to strike) + -tus suffix of v. action; (v.) < L conflīctus, ptp. of conflīgere, or by v. use of the n.]
1. a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife.
2. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties.
3. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas.
4. a striking together; collision.
5. incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another: a conflict in the schedule.
6. a mental struggle arising from opposing demands or impulses.
Basically, a "conflict" is a mishandled disagreement, wherein two parties at variance with one another are each attempting to impose their will, or view, on the other.
It is inevitable that people, groups, nations, etc. will have varying outlooks on life, and therefore will have varying expectations regarding what is necessary for their peace and happiness in life; and these "variances" will undoubtedly result in some form of disagreement from time to time. However, these disagreements need not result in "conflict".
What then, "causes" a disagreement to become a "conflict"? Simply put, it is the unwillingness to see the other party's point of view as "valid", coupled with the other party's resentment over having their point of view invalidated. Let's face it...none of us like to be made to feel "wrong", right? (smile)
When one person cannot see the validity in another person's point of view, simply because it is different (or even opposing), then the stage for conflict is set and ready for action.
Think of every argument you've ever been in. Aside from the "theme" of the argument(conflict), what was the "cause"? Looking at my own experiences, I can honestly say that almost every argument (conflict) I have ever been in was the result of my (and/or the other person's) inability or unwillingness to respect and/or consider the other person's point of view. Not that either of us was "evil" or "bad spirited", per se, but one or both of us was not willing to consider that we, ourselves, could be "incorrect"; or that both of us could be incorrect; or that both of us could be partially correct.
Sometimes, two very-well-meaning individuals can find themselves in a conflict that is totally uncharacteristic of their usual "personalities". Despite the fact that Man's Basic Nature is to incline toward Good, there is no shortage of these otherwise "Good" people falling into such terrible conflicts so as to cause loss of life and limb. How does this happen?
One significant contributor to this phenomenon is "misunderstanding". Two parties have a very similar idea which they hold dear, and believe to be valid. Yet, their respective experiences have conditioned them to use different choices of words to express their ideas. Thus, when the two parties attempt to have a discussion regarding this shared idea, because they have differences in their choice of words, or different understandings of what the words mean, a disagreement ensues; and if the cause of the misunderstanding is not soon pinpointed and resolved, the disagreement degenerates into a conflict/argument.
Another major contributor is "limited perspective". This is the "my side of the mountain is the only side of the mountain" phenomenon. Two people attempt to discuss an issue from two apparently different, but equally valid points of view. However, each person, being fully convinced of the reality of what he or she saw on his or her own "side of the mountain", finds it terribly difficult to consider that there is another side of the mountain that is just as real, outside of his or her own personal view. Therefore, one or both of the parties involved denies the other's point of view, simply because, "that's not what I saw"...or "that's not the way I see it".
Yet another major contributor, and no less ominous, is what is called a "third party". This is probably the most deadly contributor, because it effectively seeks to keep the conflict going, despite the arguing parties' attempts to find resolution, and is usually totally "invisible" to both parties. Sometimes, the "third party" is another person - an instigator - who has something to gain from the conflict...even if the thing to be "gained" is the irrational satisfaction of seeing other persons become as miserable as he or she (the instigator) is. These "instigators" are usually known by other names, such as "rumor mongerer", or "gossiper", or "back-biter", etc.
In other instances, the "third party" could be an "authority figure" that is respected and/or feared by one of the arguing parties, and who serves as a "reinforcement" of a position held by him or her. In this scenario, you might hear statements like, "You can't be right, because MY DADDY SAID..." The problem with this position is that, ofttimes, the one citing the authority figure doesn't fully understand what his or her "Daddy" meant.
In yet other instances, the "third party" can be the MEMORY of another person or experience that has one (or both) of the "combatants" fixed in a certain attitude with regard to the subject being argued.
In all of these instances, one or both of the parties in the conflict are disallowed by their biases from hearing what is actually being said, or from seeing the other person's point of view; and in their attempts to "be" right, they end up overlooking what "IS" right!
What IS right is to give the person you have a disagreement with the opportunity to be heard, and their position considered sincerely, without feeling the need to "defend" your own position. Easier said than done, right? (smile) But it CAN be done, if both parties are willing to be HONEST with themselves ...and each other, and if they are willing to give due consideration to each other's points of view, no matter how "wrong" they may appear.
Don't be afraid to consider another point of view. Doing so does not make your point of view "wrong".
However, if sincere dialogue does show your position to be "wrong", or in need of adjustment, don't be afraid to make the adjustments that Truth dictates. If you can manage to do this, you will find more peace in the end than "winning the argument" could ever provide; because how much peace can you really expect to gain from "winning the argument", and losing your friend? ...or spouse?
In summary, the key to preventing and resolving conflicts among people who would otherwise be at peace with one another is...COMMUNICATION -- Honest, Sincere, Respectful COMMUNICATION...and can be beautifully summed up in these words:
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
Be Blessed.
